Simien (the whale)

A Whale Living in a Man's World

I really Idon't think this is Taylor Swift, but she's doing the heart thing with her hand so it must be her...Have you ever felt like you were the subject of a Taylor Swift song?  Not like she wrote the song for you, but somehow wrote the song about you?  Take the following passage from “You Belong With Me” her blockbuster hit:

But she wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts
She’s cheer captain and I’m on the bleachers
Dreaming ‘bout the day when you wake up and find
That what you’re lookin’ for has been here the whole time

HELLLLOOO!!! That’s totally a reference to the time when I asked out the cheer captain and she poured Mountain Dew all over me and screamed for a taser.  Someday she’ll realize that the investment banker she married is a total loser.  That, and her summer house and her yacht combined wouldn’t stack up to an evening of “Simien Cakes” with yours truly.  In case you’re wondering, Simien Cakes are sardines with soy sauce in between garlic and olive oil Triscuits finished with cinnamon…Delicious!

Yeah, I asked the high school cheer captain out.  She says I dropped the Mountain Dew on myself when I asked her, but I swear she turned around and saw a giant blue whale talking to her then uppercut the bottom of my Big Gulp.  Like any normal person would, I prepared audio recordings of many of my creations and broadcast them over the loudspeakers.  I paid the public address announcer with most of my chore money.  Jenny never went out with me but I still feel like she would have if security wouldn’t have banned me from many of the home football games.  But guys, if you could have seen her face during the road games…..you’d know she was in to me.

I am a whale but I use The Clapper so I don’t have to arrange my duvet in the dark.  It responds very well to fins – also, drum sticks.  I went to the Celebration on the Grand fireworks the other night.  They are celebrating the birthday of the City of Grand Rapids and holy crap are people worked up about the fireworks.  “Are you going downtown for the fireworks?” or  “We had better go downtown early and get a parking spot, you know, for the fireworks.” and “Oh my gosh doesn’t that whale look kind of like Hugh Jackman in the X-Men movies?  I bet he’s going to the fireworks.”  What’s so cool about fireworks anyway?  People wake up at 5 A.M. to claim their “spot” and wait all day for a bunch of explosions in the sky?  They say they are timed to the music, but I say Milli Vanilli had better timing to music – so did Ashley Simpson.  And let’s be really honest for a moment:  in the age of the DVR, HALO R.E.A.C.H., 3D TV, the G4 Network, and Hulu.com, you would rather spend your time on your back looking into the sky at something that makes 3 year olds and octogenarians go “oooooooohhh” for 30 minutes?

Now that I have that of my dorsal fin, I wanted to let you know that I was asked on a date the other day.  A wonderful woman came to my door, dressed in a stunning pant suit.  Her name was Cindy.  She was very energetic and very into my interests and personal beliefs, that is, after she found out I was a registered voter – I know, a weird first question to ask, but I’m not that picky.  I spend hours on eHarmony sometimes trying to tailor my personal interests to match someone like Hugh Downs or Maury Povich, and here a woman just knocks on my door and wants to know how I feel about the terrorists building a mosque in downtown New York (whatever, just don’t build another damned Starbucks), or how I feel about abortion (it’s gross), or political party I align myself with (I’ve never been invited).  So anyway, as far as blind dates goes it was pretty sweet.  I gave her my phone number and email address and we have a date for Tuesday, November 2nd, 2010.  It’s a really long time from now and she wants to get together at the local Middle School, but I don’t judge people until I see their guest bathrooms (i.e. soap shaped like sea shells = you probably hate Transformers).

I’d like to leave you with a little brain puzzle I sometimes meditate on when I get bored.  It comes from the great Albert Clifford “A.C” Slater:

“There are some questions in life that have no answers. Like, why does Sinead O’Connor have a hair dryer?”

We’ll never know buddy…some things are just meant to be mysterious.

I am a whale but I drink fat free milk to keep my empty carb count low.  Every summer I look forward to the end of August but not because September is way easier to spell.  It means the West Michigan Whitecaps are probably in the postseason.  They’ve been there 11 times in 14 years.  Seeing them in playoffs is as reliable as seeing seal blood during Shark Week.  Message to Whitecaps management: If you ever need bullpen relief, call me.  I may not be the fastest pitcher in history, but my trademark ‘flipper-ball’ gets more whiffs than a perfume factory.
Though I’m looking forward to it ending, August was a really swell month thanks to Rob Bliss and his giant waterslide.  I tried putting a Slip ‘n Slide down my driveway one time and the mailman threatened to sue me.  Rob Bliss puts a Slip ‘n Slide down GRCC’s driveway and he gets a job with WOOD TV and probably, like, 78 phone numbers – 12 might be fake, but it’s more than this whale can do in a single weekend.  They had some delays caused by weather and technical stuff, but they say they raised enough money to do it again next year.  I’m already shopping for a new swim suit.

I was in downtown Grand Rapids the other day doing a comparison of snake skin to patent leather cowboy boots at the Thunder Country Jam and I had a near miss by a guy on a Segway Personal Transporter.  I know!  They make cowboy boots out of snake skin!  That and ‘Personal Transporter’ totally sounds like something from Star Trek, doesn’t it?  What would it actually be like to have most everyone riding around on a Segway?  I’d think it would be a lot like The Jetsons mixed with G.O.B. and that movie about the mall cop with Tom Arnold.  Or maybe that wasn’t Tom Arnold…

I can’t honestly say that I’ve ever had the desire to ride around on a Segway – probably in fear of looking like I’m too important to walk.  Then again I haven’t ever had the desire to use Twitter until I found out that Kanye was on it, and it’s not that bad.  I still find Kanye to be a self-absorbed prima donna with the fashion sense of a 5th grade girl on her birthday, but his music is very powerful – dare I say inspiring?  Anyway, since I was almost injured by the gentleman on the Segway I decided to write him a letter:

Dear Gentleman on the Segway in Downtown GR during Thunder Country Jam,

Why do you even like country music in the first place?  More importantly, do you know you almost hit me?  I am a giant whale and even though I wear fake beards sometimes so I don’t stick out in a crowd, there’s a very small likelihood that you missed me standing on the sidewalk as you zipped by me in your futuristic scooter thing.  I think you should attach some sort of warning device to your Segway in the future and maintain a safe distance of 46-52 inches from all sidewalks.  Or you could just get a bike and stop trying to attract attention to yourself.

Sincerely,
Simien (the Whale)

PS.  Do you know Bill Steffen, by chance?  I have been trying to friend him on Facebook but he’s reached his limit.  I was hoping he could boot someone in favor of me.

Do you ever get the feeling that when a group of people laugh in a crowded bar they are really laughing at you?  I decided to end my attempt to change my legal name to “T.I.” because he’s probably going back to jail.  That, and it was getting really hard trying to figure out what it actually stood for.  I’m sure you know he went to jail for weapons charges, or crappy rapping, or something like that.  He got out.  Now he’s surely going back to jail after he and his wife were caught with drugs…while on parole.  Smooth move dude.  That’s about as dumb of a move as being an ex-con freshly out of jail starring in a movie which you play a criminal.  Oh wait, you did that too, didn’t you T.I.?

I wonder if you get famous for setting a Guinness World Record.  There seriously have to be hundreds of thousands of World Record holders because you can hold a record for just about anything.  All of them can’t be famous.  I mean, have you ever seen where some of these people live?  They are either in the desert (i.e. longest neck, man with the longest nails) or they live an episode of Hoarders: Buried Alive (i.e. the cat man).  Even if I could get famous, what record could I really hold?  I could dress up like Joaquin Phoenix so people don’t know I’m a whale and hold the record for holding my breath the longest.

Before I leave you I wanted to turn you on to my new favorite TV show: What Would Brian Boitano Make. The man’s triple salchow was untouchable by much of world competition in the late 80s and early 90s, and so is his potato gnocchi.  Brian Boitano’s cooking show could easily bring two polar opposite worlds together:  the cooking world and the ice rink management community.  What were you thinking?  If I can’t get my own Guinness World Record, I’m for sure pitching every TV network in America for a Simien (the Whale) cooking show.  It would focus on making soft foods for consumption if you have hard hairs for teeth or no teeth at all.  I’d be a hit in Arizona.

So has anyone else noticed that the guy from Maroon 5’s voice sounds like a 6 month old whining through a baby monitor?  How is he rich and famous?  I mean, sometimes when I listen to Adam Levine’s voice on his records I hear cats clawing at my door trying to get in, like they can relate to the screeching coming from my laptop.  Anyway, I’m just saying it because he has a bunch of tattoos, and so did this guy in front of me at the grocery store, and grocery stores have lots of babies, and babies like to whine, and I always thought it was weird how you say the words “whine” and “wine” the same.  Shouldn’t one sound more like “Wuh-hine?”  I’m not homophonophobic, I just don’t want things to be difficult.

Which brings me to a very similar problem that is going on these days: old people on YouTube.  I mean, these people have been roaming the earth for 70 plus years, you don’t think they’re smart enough to see something they can capitalize on?  Geez people, they found a way to put themselves in a living situation where they are fed 3 square meals a day and don’t have to do the dishes.  AND, people are paid to play with them, ask them if they’re getting younger (we all know that’s logically impossible), and tell them they “look great today” even if they forgot to put Just For Men through half of what’s left of the hair on their head and they’re wearing wife beaters for pants.  We may think they’re senile, but I’m sure they are just master manipulators.  Old people and that guy Ben from Lost.

Anyway, old people in videos online are a humongous hit.  Just look at Larry King.  The guy can’t remember what day it is and he’s married to gorgeous women!  When can a whale get a break?  I’ll bet they have old people chain mail letters that suggest ideas for them to get famous online.  Chain mail letters work best because everyone else is too busy checking their Gmail and Twitter.

“Dear Fellow Octogenarians, Lady Gaga is huge!  Remember when Edison came up with the moving picture box?  Gaga’s level of huge is like Edison’s best invention combined with the invention of toothpaste, huge.  Dance your Depends off – in public, if possible.  Some tween will have their cell phone handy and will make you a star on the Internet.  It’s like a bulletin board that you look at through really complicated typewriters, only the construction paper moves.”

I am determined to find a copy of one of these memos and put it online for you all to read.  I’m not crazy.  Old people are very calculating.

Also, I don’t care what anyone says, I have a hard time believing that any building made entirely from construction paper could bear a significant weight.  Just call it “colored thick paper” and make everyone’s life easier.

So I’ve been home visiting my fam for a few days now and I am happy to say, nobody has cried themselves to sleep while playing Disney sing-along records from the 40s, 50s, and 60s.  Someone may have played Dungeons and Dragons to prove to their Uncle that they still have what it takes, but nobody cried.  I have to say, the old saying “absence makes the heart grow fonder” really applies here.  It’s good to laugh with my mom, hang out with my dad and the guys, sit in my grandma’s basement holding my breath so I don’t smell moth balls, and just, you know, love my family.

The other night, we decided to do something crazy.  You’ve all heard of “Dark Side of the Rainbow” where you watch the movie The Wizard of Oz on mute while you play the Pink Floyd album Dark Side of the Moon?  Supposedly they sync up and have similarities.  I have never seen them personally but we all decided to try it.  I have to admit I was surprised a few times.  Watch it for yourself.  It got me thinking though.  What other things could I put together to make something interesting?

“The Rush Cosby Show” – Watching The Bill Cosby Show while listening to Rush Limbaugh on the radio.  Both like to smoke cigars, support family values, and lets be honest, it’s kind of ironic to have Bill Cosby talking with Rush Limbaugh’s voice.

“CSPANdrew Dice Clay” – It would make me feel good to think about Dice in our system of government.  Sh*t would get F*$#ing DONE!

“Sesame Shore” – Okay, so this is more of a combination of two different TV shows, but I really want to see Oscar the Grouch with a blowout.  Guido?  More like Sweet-O!

“The Tonight Show with Lamb of God” – Because celebrities are that much better with scream-o dialogue.  Plus, we’ll always know who the musical guest is going to be.

So, I am taking a trip back home to see my parents and my family.  They live in Nova Scotia, which is foreign for “New Scotia.” I’m not sure in which language, but I know that it’s foreign.  I haven’t been on a plane since I first moved to West Palm Beach and I am really not nervous, but I am not looking forward to it.  A whale in a cramped plane is like Phil Jackson trying to do jumping jacks on a short bus.  But I’m trying to keep a positive attitude about it.

Would you eat just hard boiled eggs for the rest of your life if they tasted like Pepsi Game Fuel?  When I get back home we are going to go out for dinner, see a movie, hang out with the fam, you know, just enjoy each others company.  The last time I went home, we didn’t get to do a lot of family time because my mom had the flu and my dad was playing a lot of golf.  My mom really didn’t seem that sick, and if you ask me, I think my dad was at the bar because 1) its near impossible to play golf if you’re a whale, 2)  he came home drunk a lot, and 3) he doesn’t own golf clubs, though he says he borrowed a set from a friend.

I really think they are having marriage problems, so when I go home I’m going to try and help them.  I’ve been studying a lot of Dr. Phil’s techniques and I even got one of those Zen rock gardens for them.  We’re going to meditate together and hopefully they won’t start making out when they realize they still love each other.  I once walked into the kitchen while my parents were making out and my mom had whipped cream all over her face and my dad was licking it off.  I have talked to most of my friends and family and 90% of them say that is really messed up.  I tend to agree.  Wish me luck….

Well, Chelsea Clinton got married today.  Another one is off the market.  Perhaps the most eligible women for me these days are Reba McEntire and that chick from Full House who had a meth problem.  I mean, I think she’s got a boyfriend, but once she sees what this water loving mammal has to offer she’ll drop him like a 14 year olds testicles in gym class.

I recently read that right whales have humongous testicles, almost a ton!  That and they have small brains, the smallest brain to body size ratio in the animal kingdom.  If that’s true, they are practically the guys from “Jersey Shore.”  I mean it’s really cool and all to have giant balls, but what good are they if halfway through coitus you forget what you are doing?  It would be like waking up next to a woman in the morning being all, “I forgot your name” only you would be 2 minutes into sweet, stinky, hot dog eating sex and you’d be all, “weird, I just forgot why I’m naked.”  That, and it would be weird if you were eating hot dogs during sex.  I wouldn’t know…

For now, I’m going to leave you with one of my favorite quotes from one of my heroes: Mr. Leonardo Wilhelm DiCaprio“Everywhere I go, somebody is staring at me, I don’t know if people are staring because they recognize me or because they think I’m a weirdo.” I feel you Leo…brothers.

So, I had a date the other night.  It was a really hot date.  I met her online and for reasons of anonymity I’m not going to use her real name.  Let’s just call her “Jennifer Aniston.”  Here’s pretty much how it went:

ME:      “Hey sugar tits, I’m here for you.”

JENNIFER ANISTON:           “I’m sorry, can I help you?”

ME:      “I’m Simien…the Whale.  I’m here for our date.”

JENNIFER ANISTON:           “I’m really offended that you called me ‘sugar tits,’ and I’m pretty shocked that you’re an actual whale.  I thought it was just your screen name or something.”

ME:      “So, you don’t like me?”

JENNIFER ANISTON:           “I don’t KNOW you, but I don’t like what I know about you so far.  You seem pretty harmless so how about we start over again?  I’m ‘Jennifer Aniston.’”

ME:      “Hi, I’m Simien the Whale.  I’m sorry if I offended you earlier, but I’d like to continue our date.  Perhaps after today I can refer to you as my girlfriend.”

JENNIFER ANISTON:           “You’re cute.”

ME:      “Thanks.  So are you.  I’ve never had a girlfriend before.”

JENNIFER ANISTON:           “Riiiight.  So, do you wear clothes, or…How exactly do you function?”

ME:      “What do you mean?”

JENNIFER ANISTON:           “I mean, you’re a freaking whale!  Do you wear clothes?”

ME:      “Sometimes.”

JENNIFER ANISTON:           “Do you eat people food?”

ME:      “What’s people food?”

JENNIFER ANISTON:           “Like hot dogs, vegetables, apples, oranges, lasagna, pizza…”

ME:      “Of course I do.  What do you think I am, some kind of freak?”

JENNIFER ANISTON:           “Okay, okay, let me ask you this:  Why are you here?”

ME:      “You mean on this date with you right now?”

JENNIFER ANISTON:           “Jesus.  You’re a damned idiot.”  (She starts yelling)  “You are a whale.  A giant, blue, whale!  And you just do everything that a real human can do?  You work?  You surf the web?  You eat food without actual teeth?  You go to the doctor?  You ride bikes?  Do you ride bikes?”

ME:      “Well, yeah, of course I ride bikes.”

JENNIFER ANISTON:           “Of course you do.  You’re a freaking bike-riding whale!”

ME:      “Why are you yelling like that?”

JENNIFER ANISTON:           “Because you are whale on a date with me!”

ME:      “Sooooooo, did you want an appetizer or did you just want to go right to the entrées?”

And then, she left.  I don’t get it.  Do I really have that effect on people?  Why is it so hard for people to understand I’m not trying to be weird, I just want to fit in?  Now I know how Ben Affleck felt at the Oscars after he made Gigli. I guess maybe I should go back to Nova Scotia, back to my parents.  I don’t know.  This sucks.  My first real date and I didn’t even get to first base.  Screw that!  I didn’t even get to step up to the plate.  Guess I’ll be on-deck for the rest of my life…

While on Facebook.com, I recently tried to befriend a man I hold to the highest esteem in Grand Rapids meteorology.  I have a Blackberry phone, and when severe weather strikes I immediately visit www.woodtv.com; and I’m not playing the victim here.  I DO hate thunderstorms, and there is only 1 guy I want telling me about the end of my life (potentially); Bill Steffen, and he’s not my Facebook friend.  Apparently he can only have 5,000 friends on Facebook and I was too late.  Never mind, I was actually trying to be his ‘Facebook Friend.”

So, in true Simien (the Whale) fashion, (DAMN! I spoke in third person) I am writing Bill Steffen a letter:

Dear Bill Steffen,

I am a whale but I wear SPF 80 sunblock in fear of contracting carcinoma.  I have been a loyal Storm Team 8 viewer for the 5 years I have lived in GR.  I recently attempted to infiltr…uhh….join your Facebook Friend list and was rejected due to the fact that you had reached your capacity to accept friends on Facebook.  I really think you should ask someone who is your friend on facebook to stop being your friend on facebook so I can become your friend on facebook and be your actual ‘Facebook Friend’ which is different from just being someone’s friend on facebook.  Besides, it rolls off the tongue well.

I also think that you and I should try to get M. Night Shyamalan to make a movie version of “The Life of Pi.”  Have you read that book?  I wrote him a letter, like, 3 months ago and he still hasn’t announced plans to make that movie, nor has anyone else for that matter.

Sincerely,

Simien (the Whale)

PS.  Have you ever seen the movie Robocop?  It takes place in Detroit.  You should stay in West Michigan