Have you ever felt like you were the subject of a Taylor Swift song? Not like she wrote the song for you, but somehow wrote the song about you? Take the following passage from “You Belong With Me” her blockbuster hit:
But she wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts
She’s cheer captain and I’m on the bleachers
Dreaming ‘bout the day when you wake up and find
That what you’re lookin’ for has been here the whole time
HELLLLOOO!!! That’s totally a reference to the time when I asked out the cheer captain and she poured Mountain Dew all over me and screamed for a taser. Someday she’ll realize that the investment banker she married is a total loser. That, and her summer house and her yacht combined wouldn’t stack up to an evening of “Simien Cakes” with yours truly. In case you’re wondering, Simien Cakes are sardines with soy sauce in between garlic and olive oil Triscuits finished with cinnamon…Delicious!
Yeah, I asked the high school cheer captain out. She says I dropped the Mountain Dew on myself when I asked her, but I swear she turned around and saw a giant blue whale talking to her then uppercut the bottom of my Big Gulp. Like any normal person would, I prepared audio recordings of many of my creations and broadcast them over the loudspeakers. I paid the public address announcer with most of my chore money. Jenny never went out with me but I still feel like she would have if security wouldn’t have banned me from many of the home football games. But guys, if you could have seen her face during the road games…..you’d know she was in to me.